Okay guys, let’s talk mental and emotional wellness. You all don’t know [well, you do now] that I was diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD a couple of years ago. So, what exactly does that mean for me? In regards to the anxiety, anything can cause me a huge amount of stress. It can be as common as financial woes or as personal as having lost a loved one that can literally send me into a full on mental assault. Luckily for me, I am not one of the sufferers that has panic attacks; however, if something hits that “anxiety button” in my head, I can become deeply rooted in the whirlwind that is comprised of my negative emotions. Not only does that chaotic whirlwind hit me, but it swallows me up and it becomes nearly impossible to get out. It feels a lot like drowning. Logically, I know that “this too shall pass,” but I become unable to stop the cycle of fear and feelings of hopelessness. With the PTSD sprinkled in there, it was hard for me to allow casual and affectionate touching; be comfortable in large crowds; or do something as simple as party at a straight club (yes, I only used to go to gay clubs because that’s where I felt the most comfortable). All that sounds shitty and limiting, right? Oh, trust me, it is. So what does this have to do with weed? Well, keep reading, my dear friends. This is about to get interesting!
Prior to smoking marijuana, I was accustomed to the constant
bats butterflies in my stomach, headaches, and heart palpitations. It was a regular part of my daily life; sure it was annoying, but it felt a lot like breathing. When I began the smoking the good stuff, I began to access my “higher self.” Higher Self (HS), in addition to actually being “high,” it also refers to the state of mind that is above the lower self (LS), which is mostly the level at which many of us function. Confusing? Okay, think of it this way: HS is that part of you that rises above the bullshit, pushes through the pain, and accomplishes what it set out to do. HS has only one goal: happiness. Anything that does not lead to happiness simply doesn’t exist to HS. For example, my HS knows working out daily is necessary and will ultimately allow me to reach my goal of a healthy lifestyle, which equals (you guessed it) happiness! Now, without smoking, the likelihood of me following through on any goal I set for myself is a longshot and a half! It doesn’t mean I don’t want to achieve things, but the mental blocks on my HS are too strong for my to penetrate. Oh, but when my beloved Mary Jane seeps into my blood stream and permeates my mind, there is absolutely NOTHING I cannot or will not do to obtain my happiness!
I suddenly become this bustling, active, CONFIDENT, positive, thought-provoking, risk-taking super woman! Small annoyances like Dean constantly leaving bottle caps off of full water bottles becomes much less annoying and I am able to communicate my distaste for the behavior in a constructive manner. My relationship with my daughter instantly skyrockets, too! I loosen up and become fun and positive. I can work with her through a tough moment without ever once eroding her self-esteem or getting mad. I’m telling you, it is truly amazing and feels WONDERFUL! In a nutshell: I become a different person. I have documented many of my smoke seshes, both audio and written, and I have determined that it is almost like I become a different person. My likes and dislikes change; my ability to be constructively self-aware is alive and fully engaged; and I become hyper aware of the impact I have on others. I cannot even begin to tell you how many “ah-ha” moments I have when I’m high! It’s like the warden of my mental prison let my HS out on a day pass. You feel me? I know I am not the only one who gets this or has a similar experience. To that end, share your thoughts and experiences with me. I am always interested to know how medical marijuana has shaped the lives of others.